Almost a month ago, I got to be in my friend Pooja’s wedding. She and I were roommates our freshman at the University of Puget Sound, and she’s been one of my very favorite people ever since.
Pictures outside the EMP in Seattle.
We all wore red shoes!
The bridesmaids and Pooja at the wedding site:Alki Beach, overlooking the Seattle skyline.
Pooja and me right before the ceremony.Pooja’s family is Indian and her husband, John, is not. For their ceremony and reception, Pooja and John decided to blend their respective cultural traditions so that each would be represented.
Pooja, sandwiched between her aunt and her mother.Pooja, dressed in a stunning red sari and gold jewelry, walked down the aisle, escorted by her brother. John’s grandfather said a few words and later, after they exchanged rings, he pronounced them married and encouraged the two of them to kiss.
Of course, the most interesting elements of the ceremony for me were the ones I wasn’t familiar with. A family friend acted as the acharya or spiritual leader for the ceremony and since Pooja doesn’t know Sanskrit, he performed the Vedic ceremony in English. This allowed the rest of us to understand what was going on. Pooja’s parents began this portion of the ceremony by tying part of her and John’s clothing together. Literally tying the knot emphasized the union of my friends. They were no longer simply John and Pooja but PoojaJohn. They were one unit and had to walk together as they performed saptapadi, the next element of the Hindu ceremony. Pooja’s brother placed seven leaves on the ground, and as PoojaJohn stepped on each one, they recited a different vow. They promised to be faithful to each other, they vowed to care for any children they may have, and they prayed for a long and happy life together.
I found the Vedic ceremony complemented the western one very well. Either one on its own would have seemed incomplete in the circumstances. And that’s exactly what was happening -- two cultures were coming together. There is a plethora of movies that delight in exaggerating the tension and misunderstandings at cross-cultural weddings (My Big Fat Greek Wedding, The Birdcage). But part of why these films resonate with us so much is that they are an extension of the truth about any marriage -- all marriages are intercultural for the simple fact that any person comes from a series of subcultures, the strongest being his or her family’s. Often, up until the wedding, the bride and groom have been lone ambassadors for their respective families. Finally, at the wedding, a rather eclectic smattering from one clan is sent as a delegation to meet the equally random grouping of the other. No wonder things can get challenging!
To a bride’s family, the groom’s relations might as well be roasting a lamb on a spit in the front yard. His family, on the other hand, might be raising their eyebrows at her parents’ choice of wardrobe for the rehearsal dinner.
They’re spending how much on that bottle of wine?
I hope he’ll be wearing something a bit more formal to the reception.
We’d never survive in their house! We’re all allergic!
Did her aunt really just call Reagan a chimp?
Of course, the way we are raised never fully leaves us, and the different assumptions and preferences we have show up in high relief when paired against another person’s over an extended period of time. Our cultures coming together can make or break us; we can either recognize the strengths in each and survive on a healthy diet of compromise, or we can let them dislodge us like a tree imperceptibly but permanently uprooting the ground around its base.
The very obviousness of John and Pooja’s cultural differences encourages me. They, along with all of us present at the ceremony, are fully aware that they come from different backgrounds. In bringing together their respective cultures at their wedding, they set a precedent for their marriage; weddings are giant collaborations because marriages are giant collaborations.
In the last few weeks, I have been so sad to read about the building tensions between Muslims and Christians over the proposal to build a mosque at Ground Zero and the subsequent threats to burn the Koran. Perhaps some people are too deeply entrenched in ideology to benefit from the resulting discourse occurring between Muslim and Christian leaders around the country and the world. But I hope that the rest of us remember Pooja, John, and all couples who promise to try more often than not and to find beauty in each other’s differences. I hope we can remember that like it or not, we are tied to our neighbors, and we dare not take a step without them.
Have a good week,
Sarah/Mouse
Congratulations, PoojaJohn!