Hi, everyone!
As many of you know, for the past year, I have been dating a man named Mike. I think he is kind and smart and playful and hilarious and weird and wonderful and I have felt so, so lucky to know him, let alone spend so much time with him. There is so much that I love about him, but I also just love him.
As we were first getting to know each other, some of my friends would ask me what I was already asking myself, “Are you in love?” This seems like it would be a straightforward question which, for some people, might take time, some serious thinking, and even intense soul-searching, but which should eventually yield a clear “yes” or a clear “no.” However, I found it quite difficult to answer. The problem was that I’ve always been a bit puzzled by what being “in love” really means.
The issue, I think, is a deluge rather than a dearth of definitions (side note: I fully admit I included the previous sentence primarily for my father and brother; the alliteration for my father and the potential band name idea for my brother). Hollywood, of course, has a significant investment in defining “being in love.” According to most romantic comedies, it involves two (usually heterosexual, white, non-disabled, middle- or upper-middle-class) people who are both palatably quirky (and one of whom probably works too much) finding each other, falling for each other, having a fight or at least a misunderstanding, followed by one of them rushing to the airport to catch the other one before they leave for good.
Scientists tell us that being in love involves chemical changes to our bodies (mostly a lot of dopamine) and that the behavior and brains of people who are in love resemble the behavior and brains of drug addicts. So that’s cool.
And as always, I’m interested in what children have to say. A few years ago, I asked the kids at my school a bunch of questions, including “What is love?” I realize this is different from asking about being “in love,” but I think the range of their responses reflect some of my bafflement about how to understand the phrase:
- “Someone who takes care of the other one.”
- “Love is called Frozen. Elsa said love . . . can I have some distance ‘cause everything seems small . . . [hums]”
- “It’s when someone likes you and wants to be your friend.”
- “It’s something where people get married and they um . . . and they also go to shops with people. And that’s all I know about love. Oh, and they also kiss.”
- “It means you love somebody. It means you love them forever and they’ll always help you.”
- “Like you love your dad, your mom, or your teacher, or your friend.”
- “Love is love.” [That’s right, people! A four-year-old in southwestern WA had this phrase coined long before Lin Manuel Miranda did…]
- “My mom. Love is going to school and a party.”
- “Love is ummm . . . green!”
- “Love is about happy things.”
- “Something when you hug each other.”
- “Love is giving something to other people.”
- “Love is something when you love something and I don’t know what love is.”
- “It’s a . . . it’s like . . . if you share something with someone.”
- “When someone likes you and wants to marry you.”
- “Love means you love someone that you haven’t married yet, so that’s what love is. And when you’re asleep, the Easter Bunny will bring you Easter treats and Easter trains and even a firetrucks.”
- “It’s just what we do.”
That last one makes the most sense to me. dictionary.com defines “in love” as being “infused with or feeling deep affection or passion.” And to me, that’s what living is all about; it’s just what we do!
Now, I realize I probably pay more attention to prepositions than most folks, but I do think that the humble word “in” deserves a closer look. My computer’s dictionary (the New Oxford American) offers the following definitions for “in”:
- expressing the situation of something that is or appears to be enclosed or surrounded by something else.
- expressing a period of time during which an event takes place or a situation remains the case.
- expressing the length of time before a future event is expected to take place.
- expressing a state or condition.
- expressing inclusion or involvement.
- indicating someone's occupation or profession.
- indicating the language or medium used.
- as an integral part of.
Like most prepositions, “in” is an incredibly flexible word. And as I’ve written about before, so is “love.” So to me, putting these words together necessitates a rather wide range of applications. When seen through the lens of love, most, if not all, of the definitions of “in” above add meaning and nuance to the experience. I’ve known people who want to experience being “in love” either for the first time or again. And while I recognize that being single in a world that often seems designed for couples can be exhausting, lonely, and even humiliating, I suspect our culture puts too much emphasis on a very narrow definition of “in love.” Maybe if we consider that love is something that can surround us, that is a state or condition, that includes and involves, that can be both a profession and a language, that helps people understand that they are an integral part of something—in other words, maybe if we allow ourselves to enter fully into the metaphoric resonances of that phrase—we could live more full and loving lives. The way I see it, if I think of love as a space I can choose to step into rather than only a condition that can overtake me, I can always be in love! It’s just a question of with what or with where or with whom.
So when my friends were first asking me whether I was in love with Mike, my initial answer was, “Well, of course I am. But I’m also in love with elephants and my family and Pad Thai and God and my friends and the USPS and grilled cheese and South Africa and my students and the Northwest and hot chocolate and preschoolers and books and Cezanne and Werther’s Originals and, most recently, miniature stop signs.” I already thought of myself as “in love,” just not in the way most people define it. But I knew my friends weren’t really asking about that. They wanted to know whether, in the words of my student, I liked Mike and (maybe, possibly, eventually) wanted to marry him.
This may surprise you, but over the course of the year that we’ve been dating, I did even more thinking and reflecting. And I came to an answer to the question my friends were really asking. So last week, when Mike asked me to marry him, my answer was a clear and immediate yes. Followed by about twenty more all in a row.
Am I in love with Mike? Yes. Absolutely. And I’m so excited to marry him and spend my life with him. But part of the reason I knew this was the case as early as I did was because I’d had a lot of practice being in love and I am fortunate to be surrounded by people who model being in love with so many aspects of life. It’s just what they do!
Have a great week, and may you be in love each day!
Sarah/Mouse
