Hello Everyone,
I just had my last day of preschool, and I'll write more about my three years there later, but I wanted to pass on an email I sent out today which relates my reflections about a conference I went to a while ago. I share this with my broader community in the hope that it is helpful in some way. Though it was intended for the parents of my students, it applies to anyone who interacts with children.
A few months ago, I attended a conference in Seattle about talking with children about race with an organization called Cultures Connecting. This is a topic that I’ve considered in depth over my years of studying, teaching, and interacting with children, and I was thrilled for a chance to continue discussing this with people who are equally passionate about this subject.
I’d like to share a few of the strategies that came up at the conference in the hopes that they are helpful to you as you continue to raise your children to be conscientious and loving citizens of a diverse world. But before I do, I’d like to address several questions that tend to arise when this topic comes up:
- Why talk with children about race in the first place? Won’t calling attention to race make them racist? It seems natural to think along these lines, but studies have shown that children are developmentally prone to forming racial preferences. There is a widespread belief that children are colorblind and learn about racial categories as they approach adulthood. This is a sweet notion, but is simply not the case. It’s been shown that children begin to notice racial differences by about six months of age. [Most of the studies I refer to are discussed in a chapter of a book called Nurture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. See reference below.] Since children will naturally sort people into “us” and “them” categories (known as “in-group favoritism”), it is important to help them process the conclusions they are already making, especially when these categories involve race. Studies have also shown that putting children in diverse settings, or surrounding them with multiracial books and media, or modeling interracial friendships can all be beneficial, but alone, they are not enough; as young children make conclusions about the world, they need guidance through conversations. In fact, when we don’t talk with children about race, we send the message that it is a taboo topic, leading to confusion, misguided conclusions and fear about race. As Bronson and Merryman state, “during this period of our children’s lives when we imagine it’s most important to not talk about race is the very developmental period when children’s minds are forming their first conclusions about race.”
- I agree that this is important, but I don’t feel qualified to talk about this at all. Who should talk with children about race? Everyone. Bronson and Merryman mention that 75% of white parents never talk with their children about race. This is significantly more than nonwhite parents who often feel they need to teach their children about the risks of being a racial minority. But as recent events across our country attest, racial issues are not going away, and they involve people of all races. The wonderful thing about race is that everyone has one, so everyone is qualified to talk about it. Of course, the more educated about these complex issues you are, the better, but you don’t have to be a racial minority or have marched in a protest to be able to have a conversation with children about them. Begin by sharing your own experience with your child. This will be more comfortable for you and will resonate with your child.
- When is it appropriate to talk with children about race? Now. The answer is now. While conversations about race are important with children (and adults!) of all ages, they are especially meaningful during the first five years of life. For one thing, as I mentioned, it is during these stages that children are forming their first and most fundamental understanding of race. But another benefit of beginning now is that as you know, preschool-aged children are more likely to voice questions and opinions that would go unasked and unstated later on in life once we’ve learned which subjects are taboo. While it may be daunting to think of talking about race with young children, they actually often do much of the hard work by beginning the conversation. As caretakers, it’s our responsibility to simply let these conversations happen naturally and to provide children with age-appropriate but honest responses.
- Okay, so what is an “age-appropriate” response? Honestly, I don’t have a good answer to this question at this point, though I hope to look into it more during my PhD. Until then, I’d say use your best judgement. You know your child and what she is capable of understanding. Most three-year-olds won’t be able to comprehend the nuances of the Civil Rights movement, but most are able to differentiate between skin colors and are beginning to develop a simple sense of justice: “He got three crackers! No fair!” Use these daily occurrences as jumping-off points. Once you start listening and watching for chances to bring up race, they will come up naturally more often than you’d expect.
Now, I’d like to share four pieces of advice that we got from the conference to help our children have a more meaningful and compassionate understanding of race.
1.) Do your homework. The more you know about race and racial history, the more confident you’ll be responding to your child’s questions as they arise. Learn how race factors into our country’s educational, healthcare and judicial systems. Consider your own biases and prejudices (and everyone, everyone, has them!). Once you understand your own ingrained perspectives you are more able to control the messages you’re giving the people around you, especially your children.
2.) Offer counter-narratives. A counter-narrative is any story (in the form of books, television, other media or experiences) that provide a cultural perspective that is not the norm. For example, if your child watches the Disney movie, Pocahontas, check out stories from the library that portray American Indians today. Ask your friends and acquaintances if they know people from a local tribe who would be willing to talk with your child’s class at school about their culture. If possible, take your child to a local event on a reservation. In other words, ensure that your child is being exposed to a variety of sources so that her definition of “Native American” isn’t shaped solely by one (rather inaccurate) film. Counter-narratives are especially important in communities that are not racially diverse because children won’t be exposed to people of color in their daily social interactions. Providing counter-narratives is not enough in and of itself, but this is an important piece of the puzzle.
3.) Expand the conversation. As you look for teachable moments with your child, allow the conversation to grow and expand. Be open to wherever your child wants to take it. If your child asks why his doctor has brown skin, try to say something like “You noticed that the doctor has darker skin than we do. What makes you curious about that?” rather than “Shh, honey. Anyone can be a doctor.” One of the most poignant stories I recall from the conference was about a young child at an elite private school near Seattle. He raised his hand in the middle of class and said, “Black people aren’t smart.” I imagine most adults would flinch at such a comment and would try to silence him immediately. His teacher took the braver road, however, and asked what he meant by that. He then told her how he’d been told that if you went to that school, you had to be very smart. But there weren’t any black people at the school, so clearly black people weren’t smart enough to attend. To a child who didn’t understand the insidious and complex relationship between economics, education and race, this is a very logical line of reasoning. But because the teacher allowed the conversation to continue, the whole class benefited from the resulting discussion which helped to fill in gaps the teacher hadn’t even realized were present in her students’ worldview.
4.) Be bold. Race is not an easy topic, but it is vital. Not talking about race tells children that it’s something that shouldn’t be addressed, which leaves them with unaddressed questions and unchecked biases. Remember that saying something is better than saying nothing. And remember that this should be an ongoing conversation; you don’t have to say it all or get it right in the first go.
I apologize for such a long message. My hope is that it provides you with some encouragement to have these conversations with your child. They might seem difficult at first, but from everything I’ve heard and read and experienced myself, they are both meaningful and essential if we are to raise our children as caring people in a richly complicated world.
If you have any questions, please feel free to email me. I probably won’t have answers, but I can try to find someone who does!
Take care,
Sarah
ps: The source for the book I quoted:
Bronson, Po and Ashley Merryman. “Why White Parents Don’t Talk About Race.” Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children. New York: Twelve, 2009. 45-69. Print.
