The Problem of Two Jesuses Part 3

 Hi, everyone,

 

This is the third of five posts that I’m writing about how having twins has helped me articulate and work through something I’ve struggled with my whole life: how to navigate multiple good things in my life which may at times compete or be mutually exclusive. In the first post, I discussed how seeing and serving Jesus in your child becomes much trickier when there are two of them, especially two who are at (more or less) the same developmental stages. What, I asked, do we do when we are trying to serve or simply be with two Jesuses simultaneously?

 

We just finished up the third week of Advent, the beginning of the Christian calendar and the season in which Christians concentrate on waiting for divinity to enter the world. The third week of Advent is typically centered around joy, so in this post, that’s what I want to emphasize.

 

But before I can do that, I need to focus on two other concepts that don’t seem so joyful: failure and fear. Buckle up!

 

Last week, I discussed two characteristics that having twins has required me to have which I believe are also useful in handling multiple competing goods. This week I’m exploring two more.

 

The third way of being I have considered since having twins is to fail constantly. I teach my students about the importance of failure. I assign readings on it. We spend a day in class discussing how typical schooling settings discourage failure to the detriment of students’ mental health, learning, and creativity. This last year, I added a discussion of this song to the day’s activities. And yet, I don’t typically enjoy failing.

 

Of course, like everyone, I fail in various ways in my daily life. I say things I regret. I run late to meetings. I burn the food I’m cooking. But in taking care of two babies simultaneously, I have really stepped up my failure game. I might be in the middle of giving one baby a bath and the other bursts out crying for any number of reasons. I might be able to identify what the problem is (or maybe not), but I can’t step away from Baby #1 who, for safety reasons, needs me to be with her. So, Baby #2 is going to have to just sit there and scream, simmering in what appears to be her unmitigated fury that I cannot attend to her right then.

 

Or I might be in the middle of dealing with a diaper blowout from one baby when the other decides that is the perfect moment to do a massive, overflowing spit up and a massive, overflowing poop simultaneously. Baby #2 is going to have to sit in her own stinky dampness for a time while I finish up with her sister.

 

In other words, even when I’m succeeding with one baby, I can also be failing with the other. Cool.

 

Those of you who tend toward graciousness and understanding might be thinking, hang on! That’s hardly fair to describe these situations as failure. They are out of your control! True. But first of all, there are plenty of times when things are in my control, and I mess up. So far, they have been relatively small mistakes (e.g., misjudging how long it will take to get ready for an event with two babies and showing up late), and people have been incredibly patient and kind in the wake of them. I know, though, that as the babies get bigger, so too will my mistakes.

 

And second, the main point here is that, for me at least, it is incredibly difficult to feel successful in two realms at the exact same time. And this is where I think about other competing goods in my life. For example, my job requires me to teach, to research, and to serve the university and community in various ways. On a weekly basis, I feel frustrated at how succeeding in one of these areas seems to mean failing, even temporarily, in another. I might finally be caught up with grading, but my inbox is full (or vice versa).

 

Maybe the solution is redefining failure. Maybe it’s about stepping back and seeing the big picture rather than what I’m feeling in the moment (e.g., I am not able to take care of one of the babies the way I’d like to right now, but in general, I am). But for the moment, my impulse is actually not to find a solution. Right now, I’m simply trying to sit in the reality of my own limitations, recognizing that there is something oddly comforting—almost freeing—about not being able to do it all (and, on many occasions, not being able to do much of anything!).

 

The fourth characteristic I am finding I need when caring for two babies is contentment. It will not be a surprise to many of you that I have struggled with FOMO—the fear of missing out—for much of my life. And if I let it, my FOMO could dominate my experience with the twins. As someone who finds children delightful and fascinating, there is a part of me that doesn’t want to miss a single moment of Sophie and Hazel’s first years. Obviously, this wouldn’t be possible even with a single baby, but it’s even less possible with two.

 

Just tonight, for example, I was holding Sophie on the couch as Mike was interacting with Hazel on the other side of the room out of my sight. They were clearly having fun and occasionally, Mike would update me about Hazel’s expressions or gestures. There was a part of me that wanted to get up and be part of that moment, to experience the good that Mike was experiencing. But that would have interrupted the good I was already experiencing—a top-notch Sophie snuggle.

 

Even when I’m looking at the babies side by side, I can’t easily take them both in at once; my gaze and attention oscillates between them. And really, this is true for all of life. Recently, studies have shown that multitasking is not possible and that when we try to do more than one thing at a time, our performance with either task decreases. So, for example, I might be at a larger social gathering and want to be part of two conversations at one time, each interesting and worthwhile—each good. However, when I try to listen in on a nearby conversation while still participating in the one that I appear to be part of, I miss out on both.

 

In recent years, I’ve heard about JOMO, the joy of missing out. Though I liked the idea of JOMO, I must confess that I never really understood it. How can missing something be joyful? And yet, as I spend more time with the babies, I find I’m starting to relax into something approaching joy when I miss certain things. I take Hazel upstairs to change her even as I hear visitors downstairs delighting in Sophie’s antics. And while a mild curiosity about what is going on with Sophie tugs at my attention, I hug Hazel a little tighter and relish those moments I have to focus on her. These babies have taught me that no matter which one of them I’m with at any given moment, it's good. They have taught me that attempting to maximize or combine goods can actually take away from what I already have.

 

I recognize that this will be immensely harder once I go back to work and am missing a lot more of the babies’ great moments throughout the day. But my challenge will be the same then as it is now: find the joy in what I am doing, in what I do get. As corny as it might sound, I need to choose contentment in what I do have over jealousy about what I don’t.

 

If we let it, Advent can be an incredibly focused time. Yes, there are the various fascinating and important characters in the Christmas story—the shepherds, the wise men, Mary, Joseph, the angels, etc.—but all of them circle around Jesus. Even Herod is in the story only because of his concern with Jesus. How can I take the habits of focus this season invites and apply them beyond the nativity story? How do I focus on the Jesus that is right in front of me rather than becoming distracted by the Jesus I am failing to attend to elsewhere or the Jesus who is someone else’s to see and serve in that moment? I don’t know yet, but as always, I’d love to hear any thoughts you have.

 

In my next post, I’ll talk about the final two characteristics having twins has required of me: acceptance and dependence.

 

Until then, I hope you have a joy-filled week!

 

Sarah/Mouse

 

The Problem of Two Jesuses Part 2

Hi, everyone, 

Last week, I started a mini-series during the season of Advent in which I am focusing on a question that has come up for me since our twins were born: What happens if you see the divine in two people at the same time? And the more tricky, related question: What happens when those two people need your limited self at the same time?

 

Each week, I’ll touch on two ways that having twins has helped me explore the broader tensions I experience any time there are multiple goods that compete for my limited time, energy, and resources (e.g., work life vs. family life; community service vs. necessary self care; traveling to visit friends and family vs. traveling to discover a new place; etc.). Specifically, I’ll be thinking through what having twins has taught me about how to be in the face of multiple often-competing good things in my life.   

 

First, having twins has required me to be CREATIVE. There are times when the babies both need something at the same time—to be fed, for example. When Mike or someone else is around and I am feeding just one of them, it is easiest and most effective for me to hold the baby in one arm and the bottle in the other. However, this clearly won’t work when I’m in charge of two bottles for two babies.

 

The last few months have seen me try some rather unorthodox ideas to ensure that the babies eat at the same time (which we want to do to keep them on the same schedule). I almost always put the babies on their mats or in their bouncy seats so I can hold both bottles, but in addition to that pretty obvious solution, I often prop swaddles on their chests in the hope that they will support the bottles. It works only about 75% of the time, but that’s a high enough success rate that it buys me a bit of time to deal with one baby’s fallen bottle before having to switch to the other’s. A few times, I’ve positioned the babies in a way that allows me to use each baby’s body as a support for the other’s bottle. I even tried feeding one baby with my feet and another with my hands.

 

I’m not trying to argue that the fact that I have twins has led me to the height of creativity or anything, but it has required that I innovate to try to accommodate both babies whenever possible.

 

This applies to me trying to meet my own needs/desires as well. When my family was here over Thanksgiving, my mom made what we always request: chocolate pudding, a dessert that combines chocolate cake and sauce topped with vanilla ice cream (think lava cake but 20 times better). Now, the timing of this dessert is crucial. You have to have it straight out of the oven so that the balance of hot and cold is just right. On this occasion, the chocolate pudding was ready right as the babies needed to eat. What to do? Get creative!

 

Sometimes you can have your cake (or your mom’s signature dessert!) and eat it too.

 

Likewise, there are times when I can figure out a creative way to combine different goods in my life that on the surface, might seem to compete. For instance, one way I have managed the tension between my professional life and my social life is by trying to attend conferences which my academic friends will be attending or which take place in locations where other friends live. It then feels like the conference is doing double duty in my life, helping me meet multiple priorities—scholarly pursuits and relationships—simultaneously.   

 

The second characteristic having twins has required of me is to be as FAIR as possible. There may be instances like those mentioned above when I can innovate and come up with a way to help both babies at the same time. But more often than not, that I can’t.

 

The other day, neither baby had slept much during the day, and they were both incredibly grumpy. They wouldn’t fall asleep, and it wasn’t yet time for them to eat. They both quickly worked themselves up into dueling fits of rage. Sometimes I can carry both babies at the same time, but as they get bigger, it is becoming harder, and for a variety of reasons, that wasn’t an option that day. So, what happens in this situation? I just took turns holding each baby, trying to comfort them as best I could. I would hold Sophie and count to 60 while Hazel screamed on their mat. Then, I’d put Sophie down and hold Hazel for 60 seconds. We went back and forth many times as I literally counted down the minutes before Mike got off work and could take one of them. There might have been other solutions I could have tried, but in the moment, this was the most fair thing I could think to do.

 

And I don’t think fairness is always that exact or easy to discern. There are some days when Hazel just needs me more than Sophie does. And vice versa. My job as a parent is to pay attention to my habits over time and to ensure that I don’t consistently give one child more support or affection than the other, though the specific kinds of support and affection each one needs will depend on her developing personalities and interests.

 

In her own way, Sophie tried taking turns between two competing good things a week or two ago. For over a month now, she has been working hard to suck her thumb, and she has recently had some triumph in that area. However, she is also still quite interested in having her pacifier in her mouth, and even as she was relishing her newfound thumb-sucking skill, she was frustrated that it came at the expense of this other experience she enjoys immensely. There were a number of moments when Sophie tried to “do it all” and learned (as I have almost every day of my life) that this is rarely possible. She could have her pacifier or her thumb in her mouth, but not both:

 

 

Every day, Sophie and Hazel are practicing turn-taking not just with what they put in their mouths but with what comes out of them. As the babies become more vocal, they are learning that what you say (expressive language) happens in relation to what you hear (receptive language). They speak and then they pause, listening for a response from Mike or me, or from each other. There is balance between the two goods of expressing oneself and listening to others.

 

Similarly, one of the main ways I have learned to deal with competing goods in my life is to take turns, to seek out as much fairness and balance as I can. This might look like switching back and forth between spending the holidays in OH (it is good to be with Mike’s people) and in WA (it is good to be with my people) [Note: this is a simplification; I’ve written elsewhere about how Mike’s people have become mine and mine have become his]. Or seeking fairness might mean walking to work sometimes (it is good to get exercise and to spend time outside) and driving at other times (it is good to get a bit more sleep before an 8am class). Or it might mean spending some of my free time with friends (it is good for me to connect with those I love) and some of my fair time alone (I am an introvert and it is good for me to have time to recharge).

Whether I am being creative and figuring out a way to enjoy two good things together or trying to split my time and attention fairly between them, the season of Advent leads me to believe that the divine is tangible in our daily lives. And because the divine is infinite, there is no limit to the ways we can experience it. This means that I am constantly having to choose which experiences of the divine to pursue and which others to set aside. Next week, I’ll share two more ways that having twins has helped me navigate competing goods in my life and talk specifically about how Sophie and Hazel have affected my lifelong fear of missing out.

 

Until then, have a good week!

 

Sarah/Mouse

The Problem of Two Jesuses Part 1

Hi, everyone!

Before I dive into the main ideas I want to explore here, a quick update for those of you who may not have heard: In late July, Mike and I welcomed Hazel and Sophie Cardillo Jackson into the outside world. They spent two and three weeks respectively in the NICU, as they were born quite early, but they were healthy the whole time and just needed a bit of assistance learning how to eat and regulate their body temperatures. I have recovered more or less completely from the unplanned c-section and, with the help of many, many people, Mike and I are adjusting to life as the parents of twins.

(If you’re interested, I’d be happy to share a few stories/photos individually, but we are trying to limit how much of their lives we’re revealing to the internet, so I’ll refrain from sharing too much about them in this more public forum.)

Moving on to my main thoughts for today…

 

Yesterday, Sophie and Hazel were baptized, which is one of the main rituals that Christians celebrate. It also marked the first day of Advent, the beginning of the Christian calendar and one of my favorite times of year. Each year, it seems, there is a new aspect of this season that stands out to me, challenges me, and leaves me in awe. This time around, I am considering a question that I doubt would have occurred to me before this year: What if Jesus had been a twin?

 

On the one hand, this is a philosophical/theological question that leads to a host of related questions (e.g., could Jesus have been a twin? If so, would his twin have also been divine? Would it make a difference if he were a fraternal or identical twin? Would God still be considered Triune in this situation? Etc.). On the other hand, it is a rather practical question for me as a parent of twins because of the concept of the Incarnation, the idea that God became a human in order to better love, serve, save, and communicate with us. Let me explain.

 

One of the benefits of a religion in which God is portrayed as a baby is that it makes it easier to imagine the divine in any babies that might cross your path. This practice can help you find additional reserves of patience and love when you are so tired that every fiber in your being aches to fall asleep but someone is demanding that you feed them. Or change their diaper. Or hold them. Or not hold them but just be there watching them cry for reasons you can’t comprehend. It’s useful because the story of God becoming a human elevates humanity immeasurably. That someone is not only your child – they’re a manifestation of the divine.

 

[By the way, before I start sounding a bit too saintly here, there are three important caveats about this practice of seeing Jesus in your baby. The first is that I am certainly not doing this all the time. Not even close. The second is that to the extent that I am able to imagine I’m tending to Jesus as I care for the girls, it’s because so many people have given me the mental, emotional, and spiritual support to allow me to do so. The third is that I am fully expecting that this practice will become immensely harder as the twinfants grow into their more autonomous toddlerhood and the challenges that stage brings. Right now, they are not responsible for any activities that irritate me. I know that will change…]

 

So, okay. Great: in my best moments, I can imagine the babies as Jesus, which brings me a bit more patience, a bit more wonder, a bit more willingness to sacrifice than I might otherwise have. (In other words, a bit more love.)

 

But what happens when you have twins? What happens when there is more than one Jesus who each need you at the same time? Parents of multiple children might come to this question as well, but it is perhaps intensified with twins. Sometimes Sophie and Hazel take turns crying to express their different needs, but sometimes they don’t. Because we need them to be on the same schedule, they are often needing to eat at the same time or are starting to get tired at the same time. And as Mike went back to work full time after two months of leave, our parent-baby ratio went down to 1:2 during work hours. Not surprisingly, I find myself disappointing at least one of my imagined Jesuses many times a day.

 

This frustration is simply the most recent way I find myself feeling torn between multiple competing goods that claim my attention. Perhaps you have experienced something similar: What do you do when the demands of parenthood conflict with your work requirements? What do you do with your limited free time—volunteer at a local charity or spend time with your friends? Will you go for a contemplative hike in the woods or curl up and read that book you’ve been dying to get to? All of these are good things. With only a little effort, I could find divinity in each of them. So how do I say yes to one possible encounter with God knowing that I’m saying no to another, at least in that moment?

 

Over the next few weeks during the Advent season, I am going to reflect on a few of the lessons I’ve learned as I’ve tried to balance the needs of Jesus-in-Hazel and Jesus-in-Sophie in the hopes that they will be useful as we all think about how to tend carefully to the various, sometimes competing goods in our lives.

 

Right now, though, I’m thinking back to the service yesterday. Neither baby cried at all during what I’m sure was a rather surprising experience for them, but as Sophie was being baptized, she did cling to the sleeve of the priest. “Let go!” he encouraged her and then joked that she had already developed good taste in vestments, the clothing priests wear. I’m with Sophie, though. Too often, I’m highly aware that I am saying no to some good thing. But gradually, I’m learning that when I can say yes, I want to be all in; I want to hold on to that sacred moment in whatever way I can.

 

A peaceful Advent season to those who are observing it, and to everyone, have a wonderful week!

 

Sarah/Mouse

Co-authoring New Lives

I’m the daughter of a journalist and I know the rule about not burying the lede. So, I’ll present the big news clearly at the beginning before going into some thoughts about it: 

Mike and I are happy to announce that we’re expecting identical twins in late (northern hemisphere) summer! 

There are so many thoughts and feelings that I’ve experienced since finding out first, that I was pregnant, and then, that we were expecting twins (TWINS?! From what I have heard, that means TWO babies!), but here, I’ll share just a few by way of—surprise, surprise—an academic metaphor. 

When I do research, I often like to work with other friends/colleagues (I like to call them “frolleagues” because that is a ridiculous word). When we publish, we are considered co-authors, and the official order the authors on the publication is seen as significant; if you are the first author, you get the most credit because it is supposed to mean that you have done the most work, though sometimes it can indicate that you have more status/name recognition than the other authors. 

I have two frolleagues with whom I work regularly, and we like to have as equitable a distribution of work as possible, so we simply take turns with authorship. I was second author on our first piece, I’m first author on our second, and I’ll be third author on our third piece, which we’ve already begun. For us, the title of “first author” is mostly logistical; someone has to take the role, and it simply indicates who the editors should contact.

However, I’m also working on a project with my advisor from OSU and a few other frolleagues, and with that one, my advisor is taking the lead in conceiving of and organizing the research. It is appropriate that she will be first author; she is doing the heaviest lifting and should get the most credit. 

I’ve been thinking of these two experiences with authorship a lot since finding out that I am pregnant. I have long been guided by the beautiful Frederick Buechner quote, which I’m sure I’ve shared here before: "Words are power, essentially the power of creation.  By my words, I both discover and create who I am.  By my words, I elicit a word from you.  Through our converse, we create each other." My graduate work on language at Ohio State only furthered my belief that we co-author each other into being. 

My religious belief system also involves ideas of authorship, namely that God is the Author of Life. And yet, paradoxically, many Christians believe that God allows people to participate in the authorship of their own lives. In other words, God is our co-author! How astonishing! How unfathomable!

I believe this to be true with any aspect of my life, but as I contemplate my new role as a parent, it seems especially relevant. My training and experience in early childhood makes it plain how profoundly significant parents and/or other caregivers are; clearly Mike and I will be important co-authors of our children’s lives. But we won’t be first authors. So, the question becomes, how do we both contribute to their unfolding narratives and surrender those narratives to themselves, to others, and to God, who we believe already loves them most and best?

This is, of course, a broader question about control, and as usual, I find I’m being asked to surrender control in so many ways. Those of you who have known me for longer than five minutes will have discovered that I am quite opinionated about how things should be. As I co-author my life with God, I am tempted to provide suggestions (which sometimes border on directives) on how things should be. At times, things do work out as I ask and hope. 

However, it seems to me that God has frequently heard my suggestions and gone in another direction, a better direction. Does that mean God is a perverse, authoritarian co-author, ignoring or even actively refusing my ideas? No, it means God knows the possibilities better than I do. It’s a bit like writing with my advisor: we are following her lead because she knows the field better than we do. One of my favorite things about getting older is that my list of times when God has surprised me for the better keeps getting longer, which makes it easier to trust when things don’t go as planned. The news of twins—albeit probably the biggest change of plans yet—is just another instance of my first draft of my life being revised. I can already see how I am being changed for the better by this experience.

Another, less academic metaphor that I’ve discovered recently is Alison Gopnik’s comparison of parents as carpenters vs. gardeners. There are parents who see their role as meticulously crafting a particular type of person and parents who want to cultivate an environment for their children to grow into whomever they will become. I want to be a gardener parent, but I know I have strong carpenter impulses. 

When we were expecting just one baby, I could feel myself getting into first author, carpenter mode. I felt my control muscles flexing in response to almost any aspect of our future child’s life. But then we learned that there was a revision (quite literally: I discovered the news only when the ultrasound tech changed the number of fetuses on the information screen from 1 to 2…). Once I could formulate some kind of thought, it was, “Well, it’s all hands on deck now!” I’m being asked to depend even more on my community, meaning that I will need to ask for and accept even deeper co-authoring relationships. I will need more help tending the garden in which our children will grow. And I’m finding that there is a surprising and delightful joy in my humble first attempts—first of many!—to release my desire to be the primary constructor of my children’s lives. 

I hope you have a wonderful week, and that any surprises you face rewrite your story for the better.

Sarah/Mouse