Hello, everyone,
One of the first things I learned when I began working at the preschool was the importance of giving children choices, especially when you’re needing them to do something they’re not wanting to do. Consider these examples:
- “Sophie, which cars do you want to pick up? The red ones or the black ones?”
- “Eli, you need to wear boots outside because it’s raining. Do you want to put them on by yourself or would you like help?”
- “Allie, it’s time to have snack. You can wash your hands and sit at the table, or you can sit on the rug until you’re ready to wash your hands and sit at the table.”
I say these kind of things all day long. The main reason to continually give children choices is to help them feel like they have agency or control in a given situation. Even when there is only one acceptable outcome, as in the last example, phrasing it in a way that gives a child options is empowering. The ball is in Allie’s court, and even if she is choosing between what she considers to be two negative options, she has the power to decide which negative option is preferable to her in that moment.
In general, we all appreciate having choices. Most of us want to be able to choose what clothes we wear, what food we eat, whom we befriend, whom we marry, whom we elect as leaders, etc. Many people around the world have engaged in long, costly struggles to guarantee the right to determine their reality through fair elections. Having choices is almost always a sign of privilege.
I am so privileged that I have had more choices than I’ll ever be aware of, and so I report the following with humility and deep gratitude: I have just made the most difficult decision of my life to date.
Some of you may know that I’ve been applying for PhD programs which would begin in the fall. My goal is to study Children’s Literature, and there were several avenues I could take to do so. I spent the fall applying to five programs, and this spring learned that I was to choose between two very good options. The issue is that when you’re choosing between negative options, you can ask yourself, “Which one is least bad?” and just go with the answer. When you’re choosing between positive options, though, you have to ask yourself “Which one is most good?” partly by also asking “Which good could I most live without?” It’s often easier for me to gear up for something negative than it is to consider missing out on something positive.
I’ve gone back and forth for over a month now, trying to determine not only which school to choose, but how to make the decision in the first place. There is the inevitable and glorious Pros and Cons List, the making of which is second nature to me, and I believe is always a good place to start.
But there were two problems with relying on a pros and cons list. The first is that there were far more pros for each program than cons; I was aware from the beginning that I was choosing between two fantastic options. The second problem is that I could articulate which school was better for a given criterion, but it was much harder to determine which criteria were more important than others. For example, “School A is in a location that is more appealing to me, but School B seems to have a more supportive environment within the department.” There were so many factors to consider that I felt like I was on a seesaw, bouncing up and down depending on which factor I was considering in a given moment.
One of my friends mentioned a website called helpmydecision.com. It has you list your options, then the various factors that will affect the decision. You are then asked to weigh each factor on a scale of 1-10 to help distinguish which are the ones that are most meaningful. The site then prompts you to rate each factor for each choice (School A gets a 7 for Factor 1, while School B gets a 4 for Factor 1, etc.). When you’ve quantified everything you possibly can, you press a button and the site tells you which choice you should make based on the numbers you’ve entered.
Of course, this is just an algorithm (or at least, I think it is—to be honest, I don’t remember exactly what an algorithm is, but I’ve heard people use the word to describe math-y, internet-y things). And I certainly wasn’t going to base my future on that. But I had hoped it might provide some clarity about whether I was leaning in one direction or the other. Here were my results:
The difference was essentially negligible! However, while this did nothing to show me which school I should attend, it was validating simply because it showed how split I was; these really were two good choices, and I really didn’t know which way to go.
So I was back on the seesaw. At one point, a friend, in a joking attempt to be helpful, looked up the state animals for each location, and they were both the White-Tailed Deer
(though I’ve since learned that 11 of the 50 US states claim it as their state animal, which seems to diminish the value of having a state animal, in my opinion, but that’s beside the point). I looked up the colors for each university, and they were essentially the same too. I couldn’t even make my decision based on silly, arbitrary factors!
In the end, the only way I could gain any headway was by talking through everything in my mind with anyone who would listen. I cannot express how much patience I received from my family, friends, co-workers, and in some cases, even people who border on being strangers. And ultimately, though I still felt like I was on the fence, many of these people would say, “What I hear you saying is _______.” No one told me what my decision should be, and I knew all of them would be supportive no matter what I ended up choosing. But I’ve learned that at times, there is so much going on in my mind and in my heart that I cannot discern any pattern or continuous direction. I have to rely on other people to tell me what I’m telling myself.
So what, you may ask, am I telling myself? Where will I go in the fall? The answer (finally!) is Ohio State University in Columbus. I will be getting a PhD in Literature for Children and Young Adults through the Department of Teaching and Learning. As I mentioned, there are many pros to this school, and I’d be happy to talk with you more about them if you’re interested. However, the main draw for me was the chance to continue the textual analysis of literature for children while also considering how these texts affect real children. I will have opportunities to nerd out about literary theory and to work with children in classrooms or other settings. I am glad that I will be encouraged to consider the work I’ve already done as a teacher as I continue with my studies, and I am excited about the doors that this program might open in the future.
But mostly, for just this week, I am excited to be done making the decision! Thank you to everyone who listened to me, reflected my thoughts back to me, prayed for me, and encouraged me along this journey. Please don’t stop! I know I will need all the help I can get!
Have a great week,
Sarah/Mouse
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